Here are some of the images I created for Topp’s new series of trading cards, Star Wars: Chrome Perspectives. It was a blast to make them, and I’m gratified that the folks who’ve seen them seem to dig them.
my favorite part in attack of the clones is when obi-wan just fucks off to play space nancy drew on Clone Rain Planet with the alarming giraffe-necked aliens and swans in like “HELLO IT’S ME, the jedi who definitely… … was here before and probably, uh, spoke to you, and stuff” and theyre like “ah you are here for the order” and hes like “beg pardon” and theyre like “the order of millions of identical human men?” and hes like “RIGHT YES. ABSOLUTELY I AM HERE FOR THE ORDER OF MILLIONS OF IDENTICAL HUMAN MEN”
and then later when he SNEAKS INTO A CORNER TO FUCKING… facetime yoda… like “ok so we have these millions of identical human men who were apparently suspiciously ordered for us by someone???” and yodas fucking response is just “when countless sapient lemons life gives you…….. send those lemons into intergalactic battle you must”
and obi-wan’s like “shit man you’re so right"
There literally isn’t a frame of this scene where Obi-Wan doesn’t look confused as hell
I need Han to accidentally be force strong, mostly because HE WOULD HATE THAT SO MUCH
“Wow so you’re basically a self-taught Jedi”
“WHAT–ARE YOU–I’M THE BEST PILOT IN–”
“That’s force shit”
“I’M AN EXCELLENT SHOT”
“Yeah, because of the force”
“I’M INCREDIBLY PERSUASIVE”
“That’s the force making people believe your terrible lies against all reason ”
“I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL”
Just once, I want the hero to go “your wife/sister/mother/whatever would not have wanted this!”, and the villain to go, “actually, we talked about this a lot. She was really into vigilante justice and eye for an eye stuff. She always said, if something like this happens, avenge me.”
“Your mother never would have wanted this!”
“Wow you clearly never met my mother.”
“Okay so I was going to say your sister wouldn’t want this, but then - “
“ - you realized that was the stupidest fucking thing that’s ever tried to come out of your mouth? and wow is that a high bar -”
“Right, but here’s the thing: okay, so your sister would totally have wanted to do this, but let’s both be honest here, we both loved her, but your sister had some serious temper and impulse control problems. And she wouldn’t’ve wanted you to do this. She would have wanted to come back from the dead and do it herself. So I feel like right now, you should take a step back, and let her work towards her goal if she’s still out there to have it.”
“ … okay that’s actually a compelling argument.”
“Are you… are you Calling My Mother?” “I’ve known you since we were both kids, she calls me sometimes to check on you… hello, Meryl? Yeah hi! Yup. Uh huh. He’s right here…. okay. She wants to talk to you.” “No don’t give me the…Ma? Ma! ….but! ….okay. okay Ma. Yeah…. okay, I get it. …Okay. Say hi to Dad for me. Yup. Okay, love you too.” “…” “…” “So?” “…she says to nuke it from orbit it’s the only way to be sure.” “…why did I not see this coming.”
What My Friends Think I Learned From Writing Fanfiction:
Human anatomy
What I Actually Learned From Writing Fanfiction:
How to build a flamethrower
Tajikistani geography
Proper cravat tying
How to convert from warp factor to mph
17 synonyms for “pining”
Sindarin verb formation
How to start a fire with laboratory solutions
Every poisonous plant found in Jamaica
Minor battles of the Crimean War
How to play the sousaphone
What a jabot is
How long it takes to fly from Jakarta to Bern
How to spot a forged painting
How to perform CPR on a dragon
Angst-written rivalries of 20th century British writers
22 French curse words
How to clear your search history so the NSA won’t think you’re a crazy terrorist who needs to perform CPR on a sousaphone-playing French dragon wounded in a chemically-induced explosion during the Crimean War
In peacetime, the ruler grows their hair long. In war, they cut it short.
A ruler with long hair is held in great esteem, for defending the peace.
The traditional declaration of war is for the ruler to send their cut-off hair to the enemy ruler. The statement carries greater weight the longer the hair: to receive long hair says that you have angered one who is slow to anger, that you have incurred a wrath not easily woken.
Violent war-mongering leader frantically and aggressively tries to shave just a LITTLE hair off the top of their head into an envelope.
A faraway king receives a heavy wooden crate filled with a coil of the longest hair he has ever seen.
A despised ruler finds hundreds of pounds of cut-off ponytails at her castle entrance, each one belonging to her own people.
A young emperor refuses to cut their hair and insists on trying to make peace with invaders. The enemy leader steps forward, draws their blade, and cuts the emperor’s hair themselves.
Hellen cuts her hair off and throws it in Cathy’s face at her son’s soccer scrimmage.
